Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
