I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
