Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
