my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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