Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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