So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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