I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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