Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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