saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
