Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
