worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
