Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
