JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
