Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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