im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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