this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
