how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
