Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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