so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
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