I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
