Well douche your snatch and let's go!
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.â€
Randomize
