Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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