The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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