He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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