Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
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He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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