I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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