he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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