you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
