I wish I could teleport
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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