I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize