so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
