You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Randomize
