I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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