The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Randomize
