I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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