omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
