just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
