Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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