I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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