she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
