I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
