If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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