Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
