Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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