Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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