in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
