Kiss
Puke
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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