guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
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Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
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You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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