Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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