I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
