biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
