bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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