things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
