I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
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