The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
