i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize