I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
