Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
