Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
